I want one

What is the only thing better than a taser that puts out 50,000 volts?

A taser that puts out 50,000 volts three times without having to reload!

These sound perfect for my current job. It's pretty common for me to be arresting one combative drunk and also have to deal with his idiot drinking buddies at the same time. Unfortunately with a price tag of almost $1800, I doubt my agency will be buying them anytime soon.

Oh and for the "Taser Kills" crowd, go ahead and read this article on Spartan Cops, this report, and this report and then STFU.

Nobody Seems to Care

As the Gates controversy dies down to the non-issue that it has always really been, I am struck by how every major newspaper and media network made it headline news. It seems like the arrest of a black professor for a misdemeanor crime was the most important story of the day. I am waiting for the media to breathless report on these other stories and analyze them in-depth. I am sure that Obama will be commenting on them soon.

Colorado Officer Killed in Shooting

Two Oklahoma Deputies Fatally Shot

Border Patrol Agent Killed in Shootout

New Mexico Sergeant Killed in Stakeout

Undercover Houston Officer Killed in Shootout

All of these have happened within the last month. Seriously, where is the outrage for these true tragedies? Does anyone care that we are being gunned down on the street on a daily basis? I think the public needs to get their priorities straight before the police begin to decide that this job isn't worth doing.

Be safe out there brothers.

Don't Tread on Me

Contempt of Cop isn't an official crime but as Mr. Gates found out, it does carry a penalty. I am fine with that. Most cops will tell you that if they are getting cussed out by someone, that person will go to jail if the cop can find a legal arrest.

Notice the emphasis on "legal". That is the important part. If I am walking down the street and someone walks past me and says, "Fuck you pig", there isn't much I can do about it. As much as I would love to give them a wood shampoo, it's not illegal (in most places) to cuss out a cop. That means I have to clinch my jaw and keep walking. However if I turn around and see them cross the street illegally right after they say that, guess who is getting a ticket? If they continue to mouth off, that ticket gets torn up and they take a ride to jail instead.

Yeah, I'm like that. My point is that officers get a lot of discretion when dealing with minor offenses. A good attitude will get you a lot of slack but a shitty (Mr. Gates?) will make life tough on you. I get paid to do a risky job but I don't get paid to be abused. I don't know why some people think I should just stand there and smile while some jerk insults me. If I can do something about it, I will. It's not just about my pride. It's about maintaining a command presence.

Think about it. If you see people dumping on the police on a regular basis without any consequences, you will start to lose respect for the cops. You may even decide to get a little snippy with them yourself. People will start to move from verbally disrepecting officers to getting physical with them. I like to think that I am educating the public and saving another officer some trouble down the road. I will never make up or exaggerate a charge but you can bet I won't overlook a legitiment charge either.

A few nights ago I was riding a bike and headed to the station to end my shift. I came across a guy pissing in the alley of our bar district. This is a pet peeve of mine because there are multiple bars around and hardly any charge a cover. There is no reason for a person to piss in public when multiple bathrooms are around.

I stopped and got off my bike with the intention of chewing the guy out and sending him on his way. I wanted to get off work. It had been a long day and I didn't feel like writing a ticket. The guy saw me and yelled to his friend at the other end of the alley that he should have warned him that a "fucking pig" was coming.

I looked at him a moment.

Me: "What did you just say?"

The moron replied, "I said fucking pig."

Me: "Yeah. That's what I thought you said."

Instead of getting a stern talking to, I decided that he needed to go to jail for pissing in public. Screw the ticket. This guy needed an attitude adjustment and I was willing to work a little late to provide it.

As we were headed to the jail he kept asking me why he was going to jail. I replied, "Well you were arrested for pissing in public. You are going to jail because you are an asshole."

Petty? Maybe but I bet he will think twice before disrespecting an officer again.

Same Tired Old Song

By now I figure most people have heard about this incident.

Basically, Henry Gates (who is black) just got home from a trip to China. He could not get into his house for some reason so he and a friend (also black) had to break in. A passerby saw two people trying to break into a house so they called the police to report a possible burglary.

Of course the police showed up. The officer encountered Gates and asked for some kind of ID and proof that he lived there. Gates is apparently a very angry man and got offended. He refused to identify himself to the officer and got very confrontational. He started throwing the race card like it was going out of style.

Things went south from there. Officers were able to finally ID Gates and confirm he lived there but they ended up arrested him for disorderly conduct when Gates would not stop screaming at the police. At several points Gates told the police they were just questioning him because he was a black man and they (the police) were white.

Now this officer who was just trying to do his job is in the middle of some "national controversy" over race because Gates is some important Harvard muckity-muck. Give me a break. I'm had numerous calls of possible burglaries where I have had to confirm the ID of homeowners. I've never had one get so childishly irate and most thank me for taking the time to make sure their house is safe.

It is obvious that Gates is the racist here and is using claims of discrimination to cover his rude and arrogant behavior. I am glad that the officer and his department are standing their ground.

I really hate people playing the race card whenever they are inconvenieced by the police. If Gates would have just showed his ID and let the police do their job, this would never have happened. He caused the incident and not the officer. Does anyone really think police wouldn't have been dispatched if the caller had seen two white guys breaking in the house instead of two blacks? The whole story is ridiculous. The headline should read, "Harvard Professor Arrested for Acting Like an Asshole".

Here is the actual offense report. Gates should hang his head in shame.

A Red Bull High

Years ago I was on patrol and drove past a busy nightclub when I spotted a disturbance. Some guy was in the street screaming at a cab and banging on the windows. His face was totally red and he appeared out of control.

I jumped out and put him in cuffs real quick. He was acting really strange and hyped up on something. I couldn't smell any alcohol on his breath but he was acting so amped up that I figured he had to be under the influence of something. After talking with witnesses, he had just flown off the handle because the cab already had a passenger and couldn't take him as well.

I ended up taking him for being a public nuisance due to being drunk in public. I wasn't sure what he had but figured it was some kind of speed drug. While taking him to jail, he appeared to "crash" and became very lethargic and subdued. I booked him, wrote up the affidavit, and forgot about it.

Several months later I got a subpoena for this case. The guy pled not guilty and fought the charge. The trial was... interesting because he acted as his own attorney. I got on the stand and testified about what I saw and why I felt his actions showed him to be under the influence of something that caused him to be a danger to the public.

He demanded to know if I gave him a breath test and of course I said no. He wanted to know if I smelled alcohol on him and I said just a little. He asked if I gave him any field sobriety tests and again I said no. When he testified for himself he claimed that he had just flown in on an international flight and had been up for almost 24 hours with an empty stomach. A few minutes prior to the incident he had downed two large Red Bull energy drinks to keep him away. He claimed that he wasn't used to the energy drinks and they were the only reason he was so excited at the scene.

The judge thought for a few seconds and stated, "Well the law says that it is illegal to cause a public nuisance while under the influence of a foreign substance. Alcohol is legal but you can still be arrested for acting the fool after drinking too much. I don't see any reason for Red Bull to be an exception to this law. I find the defendant guilty."

So there you have it. There is now established case law that it is possible to be arrested for being drunk on Red Bull. Maybe that is why it is banned in several European countries? I known I've never looked at energy drinks in the same way since.

The Great Escape Attempt of 2009

Sometimes I see people do things so dumb that all I can do is stand and stare. There needs to be a class in high school that teaches people how to use impulse control.

We have several problem bar/clubs in our downtown area and it is common for fights to break out. When this happens we try to take everyone involved to jail. I've found that if we hook up the assholes fast, it serves as a warning to everyone else who wants to act stupid. Sometimes...

So this one night we had our normal mini-riot and we arrested so many that we had to bring out the arrest wagon. There was one guy who kept coming up to us and begging for us to release his brother. This dude was drunk but he wasn't violent. He really upset that his brother was going to jail and just wanted to see him "one more time". I tried to explain that we weren't going to execute the guy or anything. Heck, he would probably be out of jail before I get off work.

I slapped the side of the wagon and told the driver to roll out. As the arrest wagon started moving up the street, our drunk guy yells, " I FUCKING LOVE YOU BRO!! I'M COMING!!"

I watched in amazement as the drunk leap up on the step of the back of the wagon and started trying to open the back doors. Lucky for us, the doors lock automatically and you need a key to open them. This drunk ass was yanking on the door with all his might and yelling to his brother that he had come to get him.

I looked around and every cop on the scene was just staring with their mouths open. Every cop that is except the wagon driver who didn't know what was going on. He kept on driving with this monkey on his back. Finally a couple of bike units zipped up there and yanked this guy off the wagon. He did accomplish half his mission though. He got to be with his brother again as he rode to jail with a felony charge of attempted escape.

It was a very daring attempt but you can't beat Masterlock.

Pretty please with sugar on top?

I've spent the last couple of years working dope and violent street crime in some of the crappiest parts of my city. During that time my team and I have knocked doors off hinges during entries, busted out car windows during vehicle assaults, shot dogs, and planted people on the ground hard. However we never received a single internal affairs complaint or been threatened with a lawsuit during that time. I guess if you are a robber or a drug dealer, you understand how the game works and you take your lumps as part of doing business.

I've been back on the bike patrol for less than a month and I've already been threated with IA investigations and a lawsuit twice for barely putting my hands on someone. Man I forgot how much rich college kids and business men get on my nerves. They think that they don't have to listen to the police and that they are above being forced to do something.

Last weekend I was happily pedaling my bike around bar closing time when I saw a drunk guy standing in the middle of a lane of traffic. He was trying to hail a cab but was forcing traffic to go around him. Since it was late at night and I didn't want him to get run over, I came up and told him to get out of the road. Instead of doing it, he wanted to argue with me that he wasn't doing anything wrong. I had to threaten him with arrest before he would listen to me.

As I started to bike off, he stepped back in the street and yelled, "Fuck you asshole!" Well that did it. I came back around and got in his face. I told him that he was under arrest and to put his hands behind his back. He just stood there with a smirk on his face and said I couldn't arrest him. One judo hip toss later, he was laying on his face while I cuffed him.

All the way to the jail I had to hear how I didn't know who he was and that he would have my badge, blah, blah, blah... He was so upset that I touched him. I asked why he didn't just do what I asked and he said it was because I didn't ask nice enough for him to get out of the street.

Once we got to the jail, he wouldn't sit on the bench while we waited to have him processed. I told him that if he didn't sit down, I was going to force him to. He said, "I think I will just keep standing. Thank you very much."

One jugular notch pressure point later and he was sitting on his butt coughing. This pulled his string again and I had to listen to more threats of lawsuits and unemployment.

Makes me kinda miss the ghetto.

We've got email!

I get a ton of hate mail about this blog. Many want to vent about how the police are a bunch of thugs or nazis. Others sound like old burned-out bitter pathetic excuses for cops that hate anyone who still loves the job. I also get a lot of offers to launder money for Nigerian royalty. I always chuckle and then send them to spam.

I was especially tickled about this email:

From: "Dustin XXXXXXX" XXXXXXXXX@hotmail.com
To: johnnylawchron@yahoo.com

I think you should be shot, just like the pit bull in your blog. You who say you are a vet, show no respect or common decency for animals. You are exactly what is wrong with America. You let your narrow minded views influence you. I have a Pit Bull that has never barked let alone attacked any one in the ten years I have owned him. Yet you would shoot one intering someones house, just because it was barking at you ? I mean what would you expect. Break in to some ones house and their dog should not bark at you. Luckly you are not in my town, and lucky we don't have BSL. But if we did and i came home to see you putting a dubble 00 buck shot in to my dog I would break you in 1/2 like the peace of human shit you are. Dogs have just as much of a right to breath air as you do. What gives you the right to decided if it should die or not ?

I had to shake my head at the authors complete lack of understanding of my post Death From Above. I guess he missed the part about the pit bull being INCHES from our heads as we made entry.

The funniest part was, "You who say you are a vet, show no respect or common decency for animals."

Uh...Dustin, you are a moron. When I say I am a vet, that means I am a military VETeran, not an animal doctor. It does suck to find out that I am what is wrong with America though.

Classic internet troll. LOL

In Soviet Russia, pink panties wear you!

Wow. Just...wow.



see more Fail Blog

A Life And Death Struggle

Yeah, they are that good.

Grow a pair already

I went to a call of a person sleeping on the front porch of a house. The call read that there had been several break-ins in that area and the caller didn't think the sleeper belonged there. I figured a concerned neighbor was looking out for his neighborhood and decided to call 911.

I showed up and there was some homeless female conked out on a bench within the fenced front porch of residence. I woke her up and asked if she lived there. She said that she didn't and that she thought it looked like a good place to take a quick nap. WTF? How can it seem like a good idea to go up into the front porch of a strange house and catch a nap? The nerve of something like that just pisses me off.

I about to cuff her up for trespassing when the front door opened up and a man came out. Turns out that he was the homeowner and the one who called. The female was maybe 5ft5 and 150lb and this guy was at least 6ft1 185lb.

I don't know about you but if I ever looked out and saw someone sleeping on my porch, the first thing I'd do is come outside and toss them over the side. Instead, this guy hid inside and called 911. He only came out after he peeked through the curtains and saw that I was there. I guess they raised men differently in his family.

The kicker is that as I was about to put her under arrest, the homeowner said, "Oh I don't want her arrested officer. I just would like her to leave."

*sigh* So you are worried about break-ins in your area but you don't want me to take this homeless moron away? I guess it is okay if I chase her off and she just goes and breaks into a house a few streets over.

Why did this guy even call the police and waste my time?